Wisdom Teeth Surgery Made Me Feel Like The Godfather

This story is dedicated to my friend Jon, who will be having his wisdom teeth removed next week. Fear not, good buddy. I had a relatively easy time of it. Read on and relax!

It started during my sophomore year of college. Well the pain started then. For as long as I can remember, my jaw always clicked when I had to chew anything large or tough (i.e. a bagel or pizza crust, etc.). But my sophomore year of college, it really started to hurt.

I went to the dentist, and they did their X-rays. There was no discernible reason for the pain, except that it might be my wisdom teeth trying to come in. He wasn't 100 percent sure that's what it was because they were particularly impacted yet, but it wouldn't have been unheard of for that to be the cause.

I wouldn't say I'm scared of surgeries. I certainly don't care for them. I mean, who does? But I know a couple things. One, if you're undergoing some kind of surgery, anesthesia is usually involved. Two, anesthesia often makes people sick enough to vomit.

I do not vomit.

So I wasn't nervous about the surgery itself or the potential pain involved. The thought of possibly vomiting though -- couldn't handle it. Full of nerves about that.

We scheduled the surgery for May, right after I got back home from school for the summer to give me plenty of recovery time. My parents took me to the surgery since I wasn't going to be able to drive due to be under the influence of some heavy painkillers (more on that later).

I got into the back room, and they were getting the IV ready. Now, in addition to being, well, unenthused about the idea of vomiting, I am also less than fond of needles and shots (despite having a tattoo and wanting another).

The IV definitely made me more nervous than anything. The nurse gave me a stress ball to squeeze to get my veins pumped up for easy access. She stuck me with the needle, and I hated every second of it. I know it doesn't hurt that much -- it's just a mental thing I've had since I was very young.

She said to start counting backward from 100, and I don't believe I even started to say the first number before I was out.

I don't remember being woken up at all. The next thing I remember is the nurse helping me down the hall to my parents. Apparently, I was very concerned about a bad dream I had while I was out. I do not recall any of this, but I had a nice discussion about it with the nurse, according to the nurse.

Anyway. So the nurse helped me into the hallway to my parents. My parents got me into the car, and here's where things got interesting.

I mean, to say I was feeling good is a huge understatement. I don't remember what the specific painkillers were, but the David After the Dentist Youtube video is pretty accurate.

For me, it was less confusion over whether or not I was taking part in real life -- it was more I thought I was Don Vito Corleone.

The situation was compounded by the massive amounts of gauze I had to keep in my mouth for various reasons. So I was sitting in the car with my jaw jutting out because it was stuffed with gauze, and the painkiller haze filling me with absolute glee. Trying to talk like Don Corleone was a very natural next step.

It was then I proceeded to give my father several offers he couldn't refuse. And although Don Vito didn't say it, my best advice of the day was telling him to leave the gun and take the cannoli.

Well, at least I thought that's what I was saying. Turns out what I was actually doing was mumbling incoherently because the drugs had robbed me of my senses.

The only reason I know what I was saying is because, somehow, my mother understood me. There's just a biological link between mothers and children that obviously never goes away. I'd say something, my dad would look at me, dumbfounded, and my mother would answer me.

At that point, he'd look at her and say, in his understated way, "How the fuck did you understand what he just said?" To which she'd say, "You mean you didn't understand what he said?"

"No, of course I didn't. He's mumbling incoherently."
"Oh, I understood everything just fine."

Well then.

Some version of that continued for the rest of the drive home. I'd mumble something in my Don Corleone character. My mother would laugh. My father would be exasperated until she translated for him. I know beyond doubt they absolutely regret not having a video camera on that drive home.

To my everlasting delight, I never experienced any of the nausea of which I was so nervous before the surgery. I was still confined to soft foods for a few days. KFC mashed potatoes, ice cream and ginger ale ruled the house for quite some time after that.

I never experienced any significant pain or swelling or sickness at all. The worst thing I had to deal with was the annoyance of not being able to eat what I wanted. Also, the dissolving stitches they used. As parts of the stitches dissolved, other parts would detach and just hang free in my mouth.

Again, nothing painful. It was exactly what was supposed to happen, but man it annoyed me.

Oh, and there were holes in my mouth where the teeth used to be. I had to fill a syringe with a salt water solution to rinse them out after every meal. Let me tell you. That got old with the quickness. I say syringe, but I didn't have to inject anything anywhere. It was more to direct the water flow where I needed it to go. (Sorry that's a little gross, but it really wasn't as bad as it might sound.)

Within a few weeks, I was back to eating whatever I wanted to eat. The stitches dissolved and disappeared. I stopped needing to rinse my mouth after meals.

And, what do you know, the pain stopped. I guess dentists know something after all.

All that is to say this: Jonny, don't worry. It'll be fine. The worst thing I can say about my wisdom teeth surgery experience is it was a moderate annoyance. No pain, no swelling, no sickness, nothing really all that negative. It will be just fine!

So there you go.

Some miscellany, briefly:

• I weighed in at 188 again today, which is a great relief after this weekend haha. I'm loving running more and more every time, and I'm going to transition to a Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday running schedule since the half-marathon training schedule I use calls for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and long runs on Sunday. I will be ready this time.
  
• And the rib is FINALLY painless! Completely painless! First time in five weeks! So that means back to the gym for some weight-lifting. Let's go!
• Our new softball league starts with a doubleheader under the lights tomorrow night! We have games at 9 p.m. and 10 p.m. CAN'T WAIT. New rule this season: no diving for balls.
  
• I'm planning on going to Charlotte on Wednesday morning for a couple of days before heading to Raleigh on Friday. Charlotte friends, holla!
• RALEIGH ON FRIDAY! I haven't seen some of you in entirely too long.

Life is so, so good, friends. Let's go!

-BG