I guess I just miss my friend

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." -- Red, Shawshank Redemption

I figured today is as good a day as any to return to the blog. I really can't believe today is today. September 2.

A year ago today.

A year ago today my friend Erik passed away.

I guess it's supposed to be better now. Time has passed. Time heals all wounds after all. In some ways it's more difficult today. The gut-wrenching sting of loss may have dulled over the year. But we like our milestones in our culture. A year. 10 years. 25 years. Etc.

Today means I can no longer say "Last year, Erik did this." "Last year at this time, we did this together."

That's gone now. It doesn't hurt as much as losing him, but it hurts to lose the proximity to him. Today is a reminder that he's further away than ever.

I know; I know. Remember the good times. Keep the fun and happy memories close at hand.

I try. I do. But God dammit it hurts.

I'm angry. I'm angry that someone so full of energy and life was taken away so young. I'm so sad. I feel sad for his parents. Seriously, they are two of the nicest people you will ever meet. I can't even imagine. Needless to say, every bit of prayer and good thoughts I have are going their way right about now. And the rest of his family, too.

OK I refuse to make this a sad bastard post. I can hear his peer pressure voice yelling at me already. He was the king of peer pressure. He could get you to do anything.

I met him six years ago right around this time. I moved into my suite in Bragaw for my last semester of undergrad, and his room was next to mine.

We became fast friends. Over the next five years, he became one of my closest friends. We must have hung out every day over the summer of 2006. Between his apartment, East Village and Danielle's apartment -- one or the other hosted our shenanigans that summer.

Here are two things I'll always remember about him -- well there are a thousand things, but here are two in particular:

1. He was always there when you needed him.

Doesn't matter what it was. Drunk at 4 a.m. and in need of fast food? "Let's walk to McDonald's." Girlfriend break up with you and need to vent/drink? "Let's go. I'll be right there."

Erik was the best at that. If you needed a friend, he was down. He was so good at it because he managed to toe the line between compassionate and brutally honest. Sometimes you just need to be called out. He could do that without making you feel like a complete jackass. Erik was sensitive to your feelings, but he had good advice, and he was honest about the situation.

2. He was perpetually concerned about something coming up.

Never failed. "Hey Erik, we're heading to EV tonight, you down?" He'd say, "Well it's only noon or so, I'll say I'm tentatively in, but I gotta keep my options open."

He's gotta keep his options open. I can't even tell you how often I heard that phrase. He never wanted to commit to something too early. So you invited him when you first made the plans, and then you invited him again 30 minutes before you left. "Erik, I'm walking out the door in 30 minutes -- are you in?" "Yeah, I guess I'm in. Why not?"

Why not, indeed!

This picture was taken the night I graduated from grad school. I didn't plan a big party or anything, but after the ceremony I decided I wanted to get some drinks to celebrate.

I called him up, and he came out on short notice. I guess he didn't need to keep his options open that time...haha. He got me a nice big bottle of scotch that lasted me for quite a long time.

A year ago today. Unbelievable. I cannot comprehend how he's been gone for a year.

Just like last year, the American Cancer Society is doing the Bark for Life event. It's a dog-walk event in Cary, N.C., that raises money for cancer research. Here's a link to Erik's team page. The walk is Oct. 23, 2010, and even if you can't make it (as I might not be able to now that I live in Maryland), we can still raise money in Erik's honor to try to beat this dreaded disease.

Jimmy V said "Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever."

Let's always remember Erik so those things do carry on forever. Tonight, I'm drinking a Jack and Coke in your honor, Erik. Rest easy, my friend. I'll love you and miss you always. Na Zdrowie.